#ToBeHonest: I am weak

I thought, okay this is a new day and Im finally gonna hear from God and it's all gonna be good. 

I was only partly right.

1 Thessalonians 5:

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

This led me to basically sulk for the rest of the day. I was disappointed because I felt like God won't even talk to me and tell me some words of encouragement. I know it sounds childish, but I was thinking that just any word from Him would at least keep me going in the midst of this crisis.

But no, the word I got from Him that morning was "Rejoice and be thankful". Hardly encouraging to me. In fact, I was literally like, God You gotta be kidding me... How can I rejoice? Im facing expulsion and currently not seeing any way to solve it. I dont even know what to feel right now.

I'm not gonna pretend like, okay then I will rejoice because You said so. I couldn't.
 

Or, okay Im gonna be thankful because You said so. I couldn't.
 

God this is so difficult. I know I dont have any right to complain because other people are suffering in much worse ways than me. But that doesn't make my situation any less painful.

The whole morning all the way to church, I was just mulling about that Word, thinking about how God has so high expectations of me for Him to instruct me to rejoice even though I was hurting. God, I don't know how.

My feeling was basically an alternate among numbness (I dont want to deal with any emotion now so I'll just choose to not care about anything), to frustration (This situation is just so annoying, what do they expect me to do, do i need to rob a bank just to get an education here?), to self pity (Talk about poverty cycle -- because I dont have money they wont give me education and that leads to less opportunities in the future).

I dont want to pretend like I understand what You're saying and what is happening. I don't.
 

Even though I know all the correct Christian response/s to this situation, I couldn't apply them. I was weak.

It was pathetic of me as someone who claims to be Christian to respond in such a way. And because I was so focused on my disappointment with God's refusal to talk to me, I couldn't encourage other people. I couldnt even listen properly to what they were saying.

 

At some point during the day I remembered about that line in a Christian movie that says "The Teacher is always silent during the test". Okay, I can accept that. But, I told God, "You are not just my Teacher right? You're also my Father." I was thinking, He should at least give me some moral support during this difficult time.

--

As I was going through the verses I read this morning for my quiet time, I noticed that I was so focused on the first set of verses that I completely forgot the 24th verse!

1 Thessalonians 5:

24 The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.

He did say He will do it. Again, I was just not listening properly. 



Click here to read what happened on the train ride home.